How long has it been???
Dont know, but its been a while.
Sorry.
So here is the quick up dates...
- Pregnancy is scary and hard
- Im happy for Thanksgiving
- Having parents and In-laws close is nice
- and I really want my dog
That was quick enough right?
Great news though: we are half way there!!! yep yep yep! HALF WAY THERE!!!!! 20 weeks gone and hopefully a little less then 20 weeks to go! Its been a rough 20 weeks. People told me about the morning sickness and how I would get tired, but nobody told me just how hard this is.
I expected the sickness and being tired. I figured I was going to gain weight. I knew that I would have all these things. But Nobody told me just how hard it would be emotionally Which then scares me because I think "maybe they didnt tell me because its not normal.. Im not normal"
Ive been nervous to share my experience on the blog because it seems like im missing the "glow". Hence the absence. I havent really talk to mom or hubby or anyone for that matter about it. So this seems like a good place to vent a little.
Dont get me wrong, Im super excited for baby to come! I am so in love with baby already and can only imagine what life will be like when baby is tucked in under a blanket next to daddy and me as we watch T.V. or read or just sit and watch the sleeping infinite that will be ours. But that aside its been hard... emotionally.
My body is changing.. and its sometimes hard to except that it just is. Sometimes hubby wants to hold my tummy and I struggle with being ok in letting that happen. Which then makes him think I dont want him to touch me. Which then makes us both feel... lonely.
Im sick a lot. Im usually very active. Ok I dont like to work out, but I am always doing something. And being sick I have no option but become a sitting lump on the bathroom floor. I work 1 am to 9 am so when I get home hubby is already at school. By the time he arrives home, I have done NOTHING but practice breathing so I dont throw up the prenatal vitamin of the day. Hubby is hungry so I get up to cook... and end up running back to the bathroom. So hubby cooks for himself (Which he does happily) But I sit in the bathroom and become depressed at the thought that I cant cook for him!
I come home after work dead. I am so tired and have just enough energy to make it through the door and crawl into bed. I always lay down thinking that im just going to rest my eyes for a few seconds and then end up waking up at 1 pm in the afternoon. Once again hubby has to cook for himself and on top of that I wake up to the dishes done, laundry done, and even a clean toilet to comfortably throw up in. All done by my amazing and loving hubby! Why does this all not make me happy?? Because I think about how I should be the one doing all this for him. Not him for me. Im sooooo grateful for him, but I feel like an awful wife.
Sense im sick and tired I figure that getting all prettied up to have a great date with the old toilet is a waist of time. And then again I feel bad for not getting ready as a wife that I should be.
Ok we all know how I got pregnant right? well due to the hard time in having with my body changes, none of that is happening... leaving a gap in our relationship. Im trying to get over this body issue im having but its hard... and poor hubby wants to love me but I wont let him.
SO... after not getting ready, not cooking, not cleaning, and no.. umm... holding hands lets say, Im emotionally drained. Im sad because I feel like the worst wife and then I think about baby... and if ill be a good mommy... and then Im totally broken. I cry and I hide the crying because i feel weak. Then hubby tries to help and I shut down because I dont want to tell him how I feel and then him tell me " well yeah your not doing anything other then sleep in bed and sleep in the bathroom. Try harder"
After a long day of all these "feelings" im officially broken and hubby doesnt know how to help so we get in to bed and we say good night and that concludes our day... with not talking and fighting no nothing. And I feel us growing apart.....
In all this I have to say that I am so so so grateful that I married the man I did. He goes far beyond the call of duty and makes me safe. I dont know of anyone else who would put up with my crazy.
There is obviously days better then today. So sorry to have vented so much but man do I feel better.
Any way this is long and baby is kicking im sure its because sleep is needed :)
Yours Truly,
