Matters of the Heart

HEART BURN!!!! O pain! I had never in my life gotten heart burn before until I got pregnant.(like many other things) And the first time I felt it I cried because I couldnt explain what I felt to hubs. 

He knows how to read me though so he went out and got me a big thing of 

these guys.. 

and ooo how they have helped. 

But the other day it got bad enough that I even tried my mother in-laws 

home remedy...

a bottle of water with a full tablespoon of apple vinegar. 

That is how desperate the situation was. 

These past few days have been no different. Just awful. 

Hubbys and my plan to go to the gym this week feel through. I have had little to no energy  and im feeling a little down this week.. 

I am usually the one to say that it will all work out.. that it will all be ok. Things will figure themselves out.

Hubby gets stressed and I will sit and tell him that somehow it will work out. Somehow it will all fall right into place. And behind his back I panic a little and try to figure out how to fix it. I give myself no chance to stress out like he does. Mostly because I know myself. 

This week though, I just couldnt keep myself in check. 

Im overwhelmed. 

I think that might be an understatement at this point. 

I feel; what I imagine it would feel like; as though I have an elephant sitting on my chest. 

And I have been keeping under check so far but I know a massive break down is around the corner. 

I usually wouldnt tell people about how weak im feeling at the moment,

but given that I am trying to be as honest as possible about this pregnancy experience, 

I am barring it all. 

I wasnt planning on baby yet. And Juan and I had just gotten married. So insurance wasnt even something I had planned on looking at yet, Im a healthy gal. so I didnt give it a second look. Now that im prego and Juan is a student and not working we figured we would apply for Medicaid for the first baby. It hasnt been easy due to the fact that my parents had put the Mazda (their car) and the Ogden house (a house my dad bought) under my name as security for my younger sisters and I in case anything happened to them, I would have assets to raise my sisters with. But they see that as to much under my name. So now I have to do extra paper work. grrr.. 

Work has been... well .... little help for me right now. Im now looking into other jobs, but ill be honest... Although I am not liking my job now.. it was ideal for me.  I could work well baby slept at home with daddy. and I would be able to spend all day with her. Now I have to adjust my plan and rearrange everything depending on what job I am able to find. Most are at 9-5 so I would be gone all day... I didnt think that would be such a problem for me. But now.... Im attached to my girl... The thought that I wont be there for her during that day, well it kills me. But I have to adjust for now. And again... fix the problem. 

And in all this, Juan and I are.... a little of, as far as what we see.. Its just been a little rough of a week. But tomorrow Friday and I will have the weekend to do crafts for baby girl. 

Yours Truly, 

ready??? I think not...

Ok kids.. we are now at the 28 week mark. Baby has been in the making for a full 28 weeks!!! can you believe that??? By the first week of February we will be 30 weeks, which then means there is only 10 weeks left!!!!! I think she will be a gymnast  She spends most of her days doing very difficult moves in there. I have had moments where I catch a glimpse of kicks on the belly.. But Saturday night Juan and I got a full on show of what looked like a tsunami in my tummy.. wave like moments all around.. left, right, up, down. and all around she went. Does this mean we are having a very active girl???? Anyway. No belly strach marks yet!! whoot whoot! I did however get a couple on the other end.. ( bottom if you know what I mean). I was sad to see... but at the end of the day... that is a part only I and hubs get to see.. soo im ok with it for now.... Im really praying for none on the belly.. but I dont want to get my hopes up.

Im happy.. 

I cant wait... 

for what??

well  here is my "small" list of to do's as soon as Kai gets here.

• TAN!!! agg I hate my nice white pale legs... I cant wait to get some color back in me. 
• Beer!! ahh jk jk no no not beer.. ;)
• Bending over. I dont know if I hit that to soon, but I can no longer bend over comfortably.
• Being fit... yes yes I have become slightly obsessed with my body.. i just miss its old ways ok!
• Wearing normal clothes! I miss my big star jeans... 
• Shopping for myself... although I think I will never again do this. I just feel that the money could go to better uses for Makailas things.. such as a juicy couture outfit from TJ max!!!! YES YES? 
• Spending more time with family... ok being pregnant is rough. Im sleeping all the time. So I rarely get out to see my family.. cant wait to take Layla out on a walk with baby girl. 
• Throw away those rotten TUMS!!!! GOOD BYE HEART BURN! Im going to celebrate by getting myself a full pizza from Costco and eating it all by myself!! 
• Going to dye my hair again.. Ive been itching for a change in the hair department. im thinking Yellow?? Na jk But really I want it dyed now!

There is much to add to this list, but I cant think of them now. 

Update on the weekend... NOTHING!!! 

Hubs and I sat in bed ALL (no joke) all day! We watched movies and cuddled. And indulged ourselves with yummy foods of all kind. 

Sunday we obviously went out to church and hung out with the fam. 

As we lay in bed though, I opened up to hubby about my fear of baby having any problems like Nina... I told him of my experience the other day and how I felt awful after. I was getting to the point where I was telling him that I will never be fully ready for whats to come... but that I know that if kai is special.. and I mean nina type special.... then we together will be fine. He held my belly with one hand as we lay on our sides.. and with the other he held my face.. and said  "Amor, I love her.. and I love you.. We will be ok with whatever comes our way as long as we have faith. But ill be honest with you... I dont think we have done anything amazing enough to be that blessed yet." Wise word... He is right... I havent done enough to show my Heavenly Father that I am worthy for such a great calling. How I love hubs.. He is so loving and sweet.. and understanding of all my fears. Im lucky. 

We paid the first payment for the DAT class... Its been quit a few days as far as figuring out finances. A tad stressful. In the next few months we have to pay for school, DAT class, DAT test, A LOT of baby things such as crib, stroller, car seat,etc and bills... no fun growing up is it? As usual, Hubby got frustrated with how much is on our plate...then we remembered this quote....

"It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. … If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers." - Gordon B. Hinckley..

Just some food for thought...

Yours Truly, 

Only girl yet...

Being that there are 5 girls in my family, when we found out that we were having a baby... everyone wanted us to have a boy. But guess what we are not having? a BOY obviously. Honestly what a relief.

well in Florida, taking care of four boys, I came to notice just how unprepared 

I was for one. They would go to a bush to pee, or run around with out clothes

and I about died. I just couldnt get used to.. well ... you know... a boys 

parts. 

So im happy with my baby girl. 

But everyone and their dog are popping out boys!!! 

Juans brothers girlfriend will be having a boy

Juans cousin and his wife are having a boy

my aunt (moms sister) is having a boy 

my other aunt is pregnant but its to soon to know. 

So baby Kai will be the only little girl in sight. 

Im not sure weather that is good or bad. 

She will have all boys that are close to her age to protector as she grows up

but then again she will be playing with all boys so she will be a little tom-boy.

Although given that I strongly believe she is a ninja Im sure she will hold her own.

Anyway, today was another uneventful day. Im still trying to gather up all of 

baby's clothes and organize them in her closet. 

Im getting there. But ooo she has a lot already.

ill take pictures tomorrow to show our work in progress.

We have decided on the stroller and car seat after much research. 

The Britax be agile and be safe car seat if on our to get list now. 

They are the second top on safety right behind Chicco and we love how light and simple it is. 

So that is our big purchase this month. 

I plan on ordering her crib next month so its here soon and ready for her.

Im still trying to figure out how much more we need in clothes. 

I know they go through a lot of it, but how many onsies will we need? 

how fast do they grow from the newborn diapers? 

pajamas? 

The list goes on. But I guess I should just wait and see what we get from baby showers and family.

For now I am looking to find her her coming home suit. 

I dont know if I have mentioned it yet. 

But I want a cute sweat suit. 

Anyone know where to find that?? 

Yours Truly,

Spaghetti for legs...

uuuuuu I had forgotten just how out of shape I was... Its sad to have to take it so slow but at least im on my way.

This morning I worked out a full 30 min on legs and butt. Doing the little that I could I pushed along as I tried to get this things back into shape. And now Im feeling the true work of those 30 min. ouch...

But today was slow, Just worked out slept a few, got ready, went to the Costco with mother inlaw, came home had a nice salad with sweet peas... mmmm yummy.. and then got ready and Juan, Andrea and I went to the rec to work out some more... I know it sounds like I worked a little much for a pregnant women but I just went to the track with Andrea and we walked 1 mile. So my hopes of getting back in shape are on their way!! Tomorrow I am doing arms and chest in the morning and then we are going to do a few laps at the rec with Andrea and Nina. YAY!! cant wait to get in the water were I feel best.. and where I dont have to have pressure on my hips!

Well dissent news is that the car is back and nothing seems wrong with it... for now. They dont want to take responsibility for any of it. But as of now its running and Juan wants to sell it NOW! So tomorrow his posting  it and hopefully good bye car...

On a slightly upsetting note.. im sick of work... I dont like where im at anymore. I had a serious talk to my boss the other day and given that im pregnant he wants to move me to part time... Im sure that is illegal but whatever. Im sure my supervisor is high each time I go in to work and I am sick of working hard for them to treat me like im not worth it here. I get paid well enough, but in almost 4 years can you believe that I have gotten a 33 cent raise??? So anyway after fighting it with my boss, I ended up just feeling overwhelmed and stress. I had quit my job at jetblue for this one, and now they want to move me down?? ooo and I am senior in this department. I have worked here the longest yet somehow they want to cut my hours??? seems wrong to me but I guess the Lord provides a way to grow. So I am hoping this will be one of those times of growth. I will still be able to work full time until Makaila gets here. But after that ill work 3 nights of the week.. blah.. I am strongly upset by it. But they could care less, So ill be looking for something new now. :)

Im pretty sure im carrying a ninja because she moves soooo much. ALL the time. To the point that I got worried. I have a sister that is handicap and has epilepsy. I know the true blessing of having someone special in your family. Nina has been the glue to ours and the greatest blessing. But due to knowing that its in my family I am scared Kai will be the same.. I dont want a perfect baby. But today as I sat in my room and trying to organize Kais closet, It hit me just how scared I am. I started thinking about the possibilities that all this moving could be seizures and my mind went racing. Fear kicked in and out right sadness came creeping in. Am I ready for something like that? And the more my mind raced. The more I scared myself. I googled.. which is probably the worst thing I could do. And sat in tears as I freaked myself out more and more. Then I prayed. Its all I could do at the time. I prayed hard that baby Makaila would be normal and healthy. A happy, giggly little girl. Mid prayer I stopped. I felt... wrong. That doesnt happen often, but here I was feeling like this was all wrong. And then it hit me. Im praying for the wrong thing. I WAS ALL WRONG!! I felt awful for what I was saying. I realized that the Lord knows me... he knows my strength and what I can handle. At times I feel like I cant even handle a baby and then im reminded that I can.. I will actually be doing just that. I realized that IF Juan and I are a blessed enough family to receive a child with special needs, then it must mean its because WE can. I probably cant, and Juan probably cant... but us, WE can together. So I quickly prayed for his help in preparing for Makaila... Who ever she is... But be as prepared for HER and whatever needs she will have as my baby girl. If she is normal, special, blond or green... ill be ready.. If It so happens that I am a special chosen to have someone like Nina in my family soon or in the far future, Then ill know that I am special as well... like my mommy She is a special lady to be given someone as special as Nina. Im just grateful that our little girl is here in my tummy kicking an growing for now. Once you think of the miracle it is that she has made it thus far, you are reminded of what great blessings children are...... 

Yours Truly, 

fish out of water

Being that its a Monday I figured that I would start on my work out routine I had planned to start once I got home. I had decided well out in Florida that just because im carrying a living kicking person inside is truly no excuses for me to just take time off of keeping my body in check...
I wont lie, I used to hate sweets! I had some candy here and there.. but baby seems to like candy so I have an open appetite for Twizzlers. Sadly my body hasnt quit liked them as much and has been storing them on my bottom and legs. OOOO so unforgiving candy is.
So being that I used to be in tip top shape I am now having a harder time than ever with gaining all this weight so fast.. But I realized that Its not just baby, its me as well... I let go of my habits right as I started dating my husband. Before that I worked out on a daily basis.

 I want to get back to who I was before... I miss that. All through out high school I was a swimmer for Orem High... I was on the varsity team where we worked out 4 hours in the pool and 1 in the weight lifting room. If any of you were on a team for high school or for college you know the sacrifice it is. If any of you swim... then you know that its about the hardest sport out there... no offence to those in other sports, but swim works out every muscle in your body...
In any case I just cant stand being out of the water like I have been... its unbelievable that I have allowed this to happen. But no more!! I am going back to my fish like ways.

I sat with Juan today and told him of my goals and how i missed my water.. So he has made arrangements to help me out.. It will take time to get back into shape like I was, but i can start now and when baby comes ill be ready to go back to my old self - under water. I had sacrificed sooo much to be a "swimmer" to just let it go like that.. Juans brother later asked "why does SHE want to go swimming?"... I felt a slight stab to the heart as I heard from the room next door.. why??? why do I want to swim? because that is who I was! I gave up fun activities after school, I gave up boys, I gave up family time I gave my all to swim and why would I want to go swim??? SOOO tomorrow I am heading to the water! nuff said... Im sick of feeling like a beached sealion... I might look awful in a bathing suit right now... but I dont care.. i miss my water.

first ill need a new cap though.. seems mine went missing.. Poco Loco here I come!

Yours Truly

back to life.. back to reality..

So I had planned to post something each day about our adventure in Florida, but after a long day with the kids I quickly headed for bed as soon as I saw a chance and an open pillow.

We survived a crying baby( teething if I might add)
we survived a drama queen
We survived a sneaky story teller
We survived a child who said he couldn't do anything we asked him to
We survived a active hipper blond boy.
We woke up at nights for feeding time
We changed many of many diapers
We helped/ forced kids with homework
We went shopping with two young boys and one me
We fought about who should discipline the kids
and we slowly figured out what it means to be a parent.

But now we are back home. And I am sooooo happy to be in my bed in my Utah with my snow. It was a blessing to be able to go and enjoy the kids and weather, but I missed my bed, my family, my hot coco and my layla and Hatchi.
But with coming home comes reality..... reality to Juan going to school, me returning to work, a broken down car that Mazda dealership broke and wont fix, slight anxiety at work, preparing for baby with crib and stroller, and the more of many things on my to do list. So tonight I start with work. And here I sit... working... baby is up and kicking and I am ready to eat at 2:00 am.
Im not sure what we will do about our car.. anyone know of anything that we can do???
We took in our Nissan to the Mazda dealership to get the oil changed... everything was perfect with it. They inspected it so we could register it there but couldn't register due to a bad tire. So we get a new tire, then take it to get registered. Done. A few days later the tire goes down so we didnt use the car at all for two weeks... We get new tire( again) then a few days later car is making a terrible sound! Frightening really. We park it and check.... NO OIL!! how??? we just got an oil change a month ago... No leaks... No smoke of any kind. Some smart kid at Mazda forgot to refill the oil. We were able to drive it for so long because Its a Japanese engine and because for more than half that month the car had a flat so we used the truck to get around. Now Mazda is saying that we broke it and are trying to blame them for it. That the car is smoking oil.... which we never saw any smoke!!! ever!!! Just that awful noise. And for it to burn through almost 5 courts of oil in about 2 weeks because the other 3 weeks it was parked and not driven, it would have be a train to burn through all that oil. So now we fight it.... yay... the joys.
Anyway there is much to vent about but for now that  will be it.

Yours Truly,

Love, sunshine and... kids

I once watched a documentary about a boy who was born with no skin. After watching it I cried...

actually I really really cried.

I got scared. What if my baby was born with something like that?

I wasnt worried that I wouldnt be able to handle it,but more about

watching my baby go through so much pain. 

I just cant imagine it.

After that I decided

NO MORE RESEARCH

I would research on reliable sources.. My mom and mother in law and sister in laws.

No more documentaries and no more internet. 

I would ask people i trust about what they went through 

and then Juan and I will decide with the Lords help what we will do.

Anyway the reason I bring this up is because I figured Florida would be a fun experience and we would be able to help my family out. 

Little did I know that Hubby and I would be doing research on our future.

There is honestly NO better research then this. 

No web page

No documentary

Nothing.

Its been absolutely life changing for me.

It was our first day dealing with three kids going to school, two staying at home, one very hipper child, one pooping crying baby, one dramatic girl and in all this keeping a house clean!!

Melanie and Pipo left Monday morning leaving us with what was the kids last day of Christmas vacation. (come to find out today that they actually had school, but hey we are hip like that)

We went to Chucky Cheeses and then hung out at home and had a great day!

Today was a different story. 

Today was real life for us. 

baby Mathaies woke up at two in the morning. Juan went and set him back to sleep, Five we were woken up again by baby. This time I woke up to to get him, but he was not having it. He kept looking at the door for Juan to come and hold him. As soon as Juan picked him up he was quit. Juan then brought him to bed with us when he wouldnt go to bed in his crib. By 6 I was getting kids up for school. Breakfast, dressing, brushing teeth, prayer and out the door. 7:15 at the bus stop with milo, tito, and mimi. Metre stayed home with the i pad as Juan slept with Mathaies. After kids go of to school I come home ready for a nap with metre. 

The rest of the day went something like this...

Clean house, 

feed baby,

give medicine to baby,

fight with metre

cook lunch 

feed baby

pick up kids

homework

fight with mimi about homework

talk to mimi

talk to mimi

talk to mimi

play with with boys outside 

feed boys 

do chores around house with boys

get mimi out of bed

feed and do chores with mimi

make brownies

then sit with kids and take a breather.

At the end of the day we gather again for scripture and prayer and of to bed. Juan and I take baby to his room and give him is medicine. Poor guy has asthma pretty bad. 

Yours Truly,

birthday boy

Happy birthday baby

 Tito showing us how its done

                                             









                                                  Baby bump on the beach

Heart on the beach

I love u

:) 

Yours Truly, 

Its what you call a baby moon...

Yep, I guess its  a new thing now days called a baby moon... I get my weekly update about how far I am and what I should be preparing for this week...

On this weeks agenda is a baby moon. Its kind of like a honeymoon but this time its the last get away before baby comes and owns our life for the next while.

It just so happens that we are traveling to Florida this week!!! My aunt and uncle are going on a cruse (lucky them) and they need a week long babysitter that they trust and that will take good care of their babies. All of the family was asked to see who would be available and at the end Juan and I decided that we would be willing to come and sit in warm weather to get a golden tan. (vey difficult decision)

So Florida will be our service/ baby moon :) hit two birds with one stone.

It should be fun but wish us luck!!!

Hello Florida!

Yours Truly,

Luz

Light.... for those of you who dont know spanish...
Luz means light.

Its never happened before but I got the first and possibly the last chance to work at home this morning due to power outage. I still had to return by 8 to drop of all the information I had gathered through out the night.

I hear something familiar .. something I knew well, but in my daze of nice nap, I didnt  take the time to process. Juan wakes up in a panic to check his phone..... "My grandma just died"..

Explaining the overwhelming sadness I felt is impossible. Not for me... not for my husband as much... but more for his mom. Now the familiar muffed sound coming from the living room was making sense. Those were the sad cries of someone who lost something they loved...

Im not much good when it comes to people in pain. Adults in pain. I never know what to do. But I hugged my hubby. I held him close and told him how sorry I was.... I knew nothing I could say could make it better so I opted on not saying much at all other than I love yous. He didnt cry much, but he sat in deep breaths. His way of crying.

My dad taught me one of the best lessons in my life.

3 minutes. 

5 minutes is to much.

anything less is not enough. 

3 minutes is all you need. 

3 minutes to cry, to curse, to hate, to wonder, to be the best mess you can possibly be.

But that is all you get. 

Its a rule by which I have lived a lot of my life. 

So I sat in bed with hubby for 3 minutes. 

I said sorry and that i loved him and then 

silently sat for 3 minutes. 

What he was feeling was up to him 

what he was thinking was up to him

3 minutes up and I broke the silence. 

"I know your sad, I know your hurt, I know that its painful to face, but right now... you need to be your moms rock. You had your 3 minutes, and now its time to face it." 

And on we went to face to the harsh reality of life. 

She might not be my mom, but I have grown to lover her as such.I dont know how to comfort her. I felt broken listening to her cry. I wanted to hold her tight as she bawled all those feelings out. But instead I sat on the table and watched quietly as Juan picked his mom up from the couch and sat behind her holding her close as she cried.

The bond those two have is something out of this word. 

I had to leave soon after to go to work for thirty minutes. So I gave my good byes and quickly left them to morn. 

Juan left soon after to take his cousin to the airport, leaving his mom with his dad and sister. 

Which is what I came home to. I went for her Favorite drink and then came and sat from a far to just to be there. 

I remember when my uncle died

Tito was young and it was painful to watch but I learned so much of my dad at that time. 

He was the only one able to hold it together. 

My grandpa had gone to Ecuador leaving the rest of us behind. 

making my dad the head of the family in his absence. 

I watched him as he put a brave face on and held my grandma and each of his sisters as they melted to the floor everytime the pain was to much to bare. 

I watched him take each of them aside and give them amazing blessings of comfort.

I watched him talk about his brother and laugh in time of deep sadness. 

He is my hero... There is no greater bravery then what he showed that day. A smile under deep sadness

lose is a hard thing to understand. But we all go through it. We are greatly blessed we have the knowledge of eternal families. 

How great is it that baby Makaila was probably one of those angels there to welcome her home to her Heavenly Father. 

I imagine a little dark haired dark eyed girl with a spirit of happiness as she meet her great grandma and greeted her with a hug and kiss on the check. and with giggles and laughter grabbed her thin figures and lead her home.

I might not have been able to meet her. But I do know that through her a great family ;Diaz de Leon; came to be. That through her I meet my amazing and loving husband and that through her I get to be a part of this loving and happy family and most of all, that through her I will be getting the greatest gift EVER.. baby Makaila. 

Meeting her here on earth would have been amazing. But I am so happy to know that baby Kai now has here uncle Tito and Great tat Luz to watch her and start teaching her what she will need to know here on earth. 

Until we meet 

Loves always 

Yours Truly 

  

baby Makaila

my nesting stage continues... I cant shake it of!
So im giving in..

I have a vivid picture of what I want for her nursery. Colors are Grey and a peachy salmon color.

The grey crib we are about to order 

Im totally making my own sheets. I cant find exactly what I want in color and im scared to order on line in case the color is of. So I found a web page that shows me how and now im just in search for the perfect color of peach and salmon. I want the sheets a peach and salmon color and the rest white. 

The wall we have now if a light light grey so I need to do something to it so that the grey crib stands out a little more. Im thinking fabric wall paper or stencil in something like this?

Thoughts???

plus I want to put her name in wooden letters above the crib? white as well. would that look to much? 

Maybe name with a boarder and then stenciled pattern. 

agg I dont know yet. 

Im working on the closet now. There is so much to prepare, and I feel slightly over whelmed but 

everything is pulling together. 

Juan and I talked the other night about homing situation. I was hoping that we would be moving out soon now so that baby can have her own room, but as we spoke about it we came to an agreement that right now, we want to save.. save as much as we can and except the help that we can get right now in case we do end up moving out of state and having to be alone.

So I am planning now for our little family room together. :) ill take pictures and see if anyone has ideas to add to make this super cute for baby kai. 

Yours Truly